I have reached an impasse with school. I am doing well, but the funding is drying up.
I signed up with a site that helps procure donations. Please visit http://www.gofundme.com/3irs50
if you can help in any way. Not sure if anything will come of this attempt, but it can't hurt to try.
I'm finishing my Chapter 2 of the thesis and prepping data for analysis on Ch3.
I'm hopeful some financial aid will come in some form so that I can continue with classes this fall.
Blessings,
Crystal
Monday, July 15, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Against ones self: A lesson in acceptance
To criticize oneself can so easily become background chatter in the mind. We don't even realize it. In the path to become a better person, to understand the very personal journey we are one, who we are, what we want, all that jazz, well, there comes a point you discover you don't like yourself. And often a wall to improvement constructs itself by magic and we find we are stuck. And we struggle against notions of telling ourselves we are stuck, because we learn we become what we say we are. But how can we become unstuck, without first acknowledging how stuck we are?
This leads us to one of the most fundamental laws of the Universe: FEED BACK LOOPS.
In a positive feed back loop, the output is fuel for the input. Let's apply this to our current issue; being stuck in self loathing.
At some point along our road we being to be more honest with ourselves. We learn to observe things as they are. We might even be looking deeply in meditation. We try to observe without judging, as we are taught. Only there comes a line which we cross and decide we don't like what we see. After all, that is why we have chosen this path. Impulsively we want to pick it apart, analyze the dark spots, figure out why. This requires a critical eye. But critical thinking, though important, can be a slippery slope. We begin to magnify the wrong and diminish the good. It happens slowly. Then one day we realize all we're seeing is the dark inside and we forget to view the light.
I can't seem to have a closer relationship with my kids. I understand some of what fuels that. But no matter what I do I can't get to where I want to be with them. I become preoccupied with this notion and tear myself apart at all I've done wrong. What's wrong with me? Why can't I use all these tools I have learned and be the mom I want to be--more kind, patient, loving, and light hearted? And I forget the game of chess I played first thing in the morning with my son. I don't acknowledge the special moment we shared releasing the moth we hatched. I don't see the fun my daughter had cooking dinner together. How do I forget these things? Why?
It's a feedback cycle. I get too critical of myself and I lose sight of the good I did. Then I feel worse, I perform as a mother more poorly, and so the bad is even more magnified, the good even further diminished. This reinforces seeing the bad, which then completes the cycle.
Now, I must stop the madness. See the good stuff I do. Retrain myself not to be so judgmental. get back on the path. Yes, I have work to do, but again we must stop and see how far we have come, lest we lose forward momentum and risk going backward. And through it all it's okay, because this is the sacred path and the journey is the teacher.
This leads us to one of the most fundamental laws of the Universe: FEED BACK LOOPS.
In a positive feed back loop, the output is fuel for the input. Let's apply this to our current issue; being stuck in self loathing.
At some point along our road we being to be more honest with ourselves. We learn to observe things as they are. We might even be looking deeply in meditation. We try to observe without judging, as we are taught. Only there comes a line which we cross and decide we don't like what we see. After all, that is why we have chosen this path. Impulsively we want to pick it apart, analyze the dark spots, figure out why. This requires a critical eye. But critical thinking, though important, can be a slippery slope. We begin to magnify the wrong and diminish the good. It happens slowly. Then one day we realize all we're seeing is the dark inside and we forget to view the light.
I can't seem to have a closer relationship with my kids. I understand some of what fuels that. But no matter what I do I can't get to where I want to be with them. I become preoccupied with this notion and tear myself apart at all I've done wrong. What's wrong with me? Why can't I use all these tools I have learned and be the mom I want to be--more kind, patient, loving, and light hearted? And I forget the game of chess I played first thing in the morning with my son. I don't acknowledge the special moment we shared releasing the moth we hatched. I don't see the fun my daughter had cooking dinner together. How do I forget these things? Why?
It's a feedback cycle. I get too critical of myself and I lose sight of the good I did. Then I feel worse, I perform as a mother more poorly, and so the bad is even more magnified, the good even further diminished. This reinforces seeing the bad, which then completes the cycle.
Now, I must stop the madness. See the good stuff I do. Retrain myself not to be so judgmental. get back on the path. Yes, I have work to do, but again we must stop and see how far we have come, lest we lose forward momentum and risk going backward. And through it all it's okay, because this is the sacred path and the journey is the teacher.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The First Hello
It's difficult to know what to put here to set the tone for what this blog is about. Well, we know it's about me. But more than that it's about life in this crazy society and how one who is unconventional and searching for truth can find wisdom and understanding no matter where they are. Perhaps at times this blog will prattle on about the mundane frustrations we encounter and get so wrapped up in. Other times I may reflect so esoterically even I will not be able to follow what I wrote upon revisiting. But more often I wish to distill some of the core nuggets of truth that I've gleaned from this confusing world.
For instance, 2 different stories, with the same message: we feel rushed to accomplish something with our life, to not waste time and always be productive. So much so, that we feel guilty for times of inactivity. Or the reverse of this; we feel so rejected and abandoned by society that we give in, give up and settle for life as it happens to us. We may not even realize we have given in to this message of my life is useless and wasted. What we're missing is the fact that our very existence in this body is meant to be an instruction. The ultimate of teachers--life experience is everywhere around us waiting for us to take notice. What is wasted, in either scenario, is the moment and all its valuable lessons. We are struggling to achieve some ideal or to relieve some suffering when we only need to embrace that moment for all it is, rather than beating ourselves against a reality we don't want to be in. If we can be happy right where we are in that moment, our lives will transform into that which makes us happy. If we simply rush to some holy grail or wallow in how miserable our life is, then our life is lost.
Sounds simple enough. Try it for a day, just being happy and taking in the lessons this moment has to offer. Embracing pain and confusion and not knowing. Savoring a moment of doing nothing for no reason. It's not easy. The mind's voices are loud. I've been simmering in this simple philosophy for over 3 years, still it only comes in brief snatches of time, only to be overridden by this world's demands.
Another complement to this philosophy, since I mentioned it's been over 3 years, is ridiculous persistence. Don't ever give up no matter how often you fail. Its truly a numbers game. Those who make it are those who fell and got up countless times. Those who laughed at the bruises and went on anyway. Those who smiled through the tears and welcomed the suffering as a wizened teacher. Those who knew there was more than this and refused to let go of their hopes and dreams of something bigger than themselves, this small sense of self we hold so close.
Somehow, we know we have to find our truth or go mad denying it. It's okay to be in the midst of uncertainty if we know we are on a path to truth and unattached to the answers.
Be well,
Crystal
For instance, 2 different stories, with the same message: we feel rushed to accomplish something with our life, to not waste time and always be productive. So much so, that we feel guilty for times of inactivity. Or the reverse of this; we feel so rejected and abandoned by society that we give in, give up and settle for life as it happens to us. We may not even realize we have given in to this message of my life is useless and wasted. What we're missing is the fact that our very existence in this body is meant to be an instruction. The ultimate of teachers--life experience is everywhere around us waiting for us to take notice. What is wasted, in either scenario, is the moment and all its valuable lessons. We are struggling to achieve some ideal or to relieve some suffering when we only need to embrace that moment for all it is, rather than beating ourselves against a reality we don't want to be in. If we can be happy right where we are in that moment, our lives will transform into that which makes us happy. If we simply rush to some holy grail or wallow in how miserable our life is, then our life is lost.
Sounds simple enough. Try it for a day, just being happy and taking in the lessons this moment has to offer. Embracing pain and confusion and not knowing. Savoring a moment of doing nothing for no reason. It's not easy. The mind's voices are loud. I've been simmering in this simple philosophy for over 3 years, still it only comes in brief snatches of time, only to be overridden by this world's demands.
Another complement to this philosophy, since I mentioned it's been over 3 years, is ridiculous persistence. Don't ever give up no matter how often you fail. Its truly a numbers game. Those who make it are those who fell and got up countless times. Those who laughed at the bruises and went on anyway. Those who smiled through the tears and welcomed the suffering as a wizened teacher. Those who knew there was more than this and refused to let go of their hopes and dreams of something bigger than themselves, this small sense of self we hold so close.
Somehow, we know we have to find our truth or go mad denying it. It's okay to be in the midst of uncertainty if we know we are on a path to truth and unattached to the answers.
Be well,
Crystal
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